


Feeling hypocritical

by actual_angel_sam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Episode: s11e21 All In The Family, Episode: s11e22 We Happy Few, Gen, Hurt Sam Winchester, I hate tagging, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, dean is only there for a second, group therapy/support group, lucifer is a fucking dick, sam winchester goes to therapy, takes place in between those 2 eps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 22:27:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15229296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actual_angel_sam/pseuds/actual_angel_sam
Summary: Sam Winchester is having a difficult time dealing with Lucifer possessing Cas and after rescuing him, memories he tried not to think about come back up.





	Feeling hypocritical

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long long time ago so a hella cringe warning.

 

Sam had to get out of the bunker, especially today.  
  
With the world no doubt ending and his best friend being freaking possessed by Lucifer, he couldn’t think right and if he was being honest, after everything he didn’t know how.

The world was always ending with one crisis after another, so he just pushed everything down.  
  
He constantly feels like a hypocrite, always trying to get Dean to open up and yet he can’t do the same for himself. He used to let himself talk about anything that’s bothered him, but now, it’s like someone flipped that switch off inside him. He never outright lies, but he doesn’t say whats really going on in his head anymore.  
  
But I guess that’s what happens when you become Lucifer’s chew toy for hundreds or thousands of years.

He swallowed hard-.

No, he can’t- can’t think about that-

Not while he’s here-

He needs to stop thinking about it-. 

How he was in his room- he locked himself in Sam’s room. How cold it was after he left, he could’ve done  _anything._

His breathing is rapid now, Sam closes his eyes and attempts to relax. He even subconsciously presses his thumb against his palm. Of course, nothing’s working, he’s here goddammit under the same roof.  
  
The world is spinning, and he just feels so numb. Hell, he always feels numb, but in that moment, it was pure emptiness.  
  
He looks up, and he’s in the kitchen? Dean was there making a sandwich-a PB&J-no crust. Sam can’t help but smile slightly for a second because no matter the situation, no disaster can put a pause on Dean Winchester’s stomach.  
  
And for one bliss second, it was almost like nothing bad is happening; the world isn’t ending, it’s just him and Dean against the world like old times, fighting demons and ghosts. When there were no angels, no apocalypse, no leviathans, no darkness or Amara.  
  
But that all came crashing down as soon as he glanced down at the table seeing Cas’ old tie just lying there. Another reminder, he can’t help but feel so guilty and mad at the same time. Mad because how could Cas do this, to Dean, to him, after everything Lucifer’s done? And guilty because what if this all could’ve been avoided? It’s not that he regrets not saying yes to him, in fact, he didn’t know he had it in him, but at the time he was so proud of himself- now he doesn’t know anymore. Sam quickly thrusts his eyes together until he’s feeling slightly more stable, that is until he trips over something on the floor, but feeling so dizzy, Sam’s unable to decipher what.  
  
He quickly mumbles something about going for a drive upon seeing Deans questioning yet clearly concerned look. His protests, yet even though he’s in earshot, feel miles away. Everything blurs together, and the next thing he knows is that he’s sitting in the Impala, alone.  
  
Sam hasn’t felt this sick to his stomach si- well since going back to the cage-.

-where he felt like an idiot,

-feeling so goddamn foolish, Of course, it wasn’t God. It was always Lucifer.

And then it was finding out Lucifer was riding Cas around like a puppet, the whole time pretending to be him, his charade- like it was a big cosmic joke he wasn’t in on.  
  
It was one thing having to rescue him but-.

Carrying him around his arms and shoving him in the Impala’s front seat. Where he sits.

Then working with him- playing Doctor Phil with Dean to Chuck- God, not Chuck, God. To God and his abuser? Not how Sam likes to spend his evenings.  
  
Sam cant get any of it out of his head so he focuses on the road. Twelve miles and a right turn ahead. Then six and a half more miles and you’ve reached your destination. Sam repeats over and over in his mind. 


End file.
